09:22 And on the subject of Mr Redknapp... Who was responsible for the massive late trading on Fulham just prior to kick off in the alleged competitive event at Craven Cottage yesterday? Once the draw for the 5th Round of the FA Cup had been made, there was a torrent of money on Fulham. Redknapp complained, following two penalties and a sending off against (??) his interests, that "Watching a game from that dug-out is the worst view I've ever had in my life." Well it would help if you took the mobile phone away from your ear and stopped covering your mouths...
09:27 Charlie Adam is statistically preferable to the overrated Cesc Fabregas this season. As Holloway is on a percentage of the sell-on, we expect the Seasiders captain to be on his way to the Murderers today for around £10 million. Oooh, who will the Mighty Blackpool be buying? Let us hope for a goalkeeper as Kingson is dire, Gilks below average and Rachubka is not rated by the management team. But what do they know about goalkeeping...? The only remaining hope is that ScudamoreWorld choose entertainment over competitive sport and allow Blackpool another soundbiting season in the EPL.
09:34 Rumours that Manchester City are trying to buy Mike Dean are wide of the mark. Tottenham are refusing to sell.
09:38 Prescient or what? What, probably... Pre-season we had a four-timer just for the sheer erectile fun of it - we backed QPR for the Championship, Brighton for League One, Oxford United to get promoted from League Two and Blackpool to remain in ScudamoreWorld. Cool even if eventually incorrect...
09:42 The first BIG DEAL of the day... Stevie Gerrard has signed an exclusive contract with Holly Lodge Girls' College in Murdererland allowing him first bagsy on all teenage totty (to use an Andy Grayism) at the school. Great news indeed...
09:45 Of course, today is a main event for the leeches who run the transfer market, the agents. Akin to Estate Agents, their desire is to create competitive bidding to drive values (and their percentages) ever skywards. We bet Garry Cook is grateful that his idiocy stopped Abu Dhabi paying £100 million for cacky Kaka for example. Agents are the Antichrist! They are the only participants who gain from both of the illicit markets demolishing the sport of football - the transfer market and the betting market. And they seem to believe in self-regulation. Well, you would, wouldn't you?
09:49 Some overrated shit that nobody should have any interest in signing (unless proprietary offshore banking interest suggest otherwise)... Kun Aguero, Di Maria, Chimbonda, Kirkland/James/Carson/McClaren/Henderson/Walcott, Torres, Palop, Benitez, Ashley Young, Yakubu, Andy Johnson, David Ngog, Michael Owen, Lescott, that crappy Dutch goalie at Newcastle, Assou-Ekotto and Gomes, Upson, Thierry Henry, Kilbane, Sorensen, Lampard, Schwarzer, Beattie, Klose, Curci, Odemwingie, Defoe...
10:00 Paul Konchesky has apparently been loaned to Nottingham Forest according to his mother. Well, there goes their Play Off hopes...
10:12 Manchester City have signed a piece of paper with the word "Success" written upon it. Will this be too challenging for the collective mass psychology of the Born-To-Lose-Citeh-Til-I-Die bunch of moaning mingers from the City of Manchester Council Estate?
10:16 Not really transfer talk but it is if you are moronic enough to transfer any of your hard-earned readies to them - welcome SportMarket. Isle of Man based and backed by ############################################### this firm allegedly allows up to £25K to be traded on match days on the major European leagues. The thing is this... You transfer over, say, £100K. You win as you are a professional. You withdraw your winnings. Next weekend, the same. Ah! But now they charge you for withdrawing your winnings for a second time within a month. The result is that professional traders end up banking large amounts of cash with this rogue outfit for a month at a time. And, guess what? They don't even provide you with a phone number!!! We predict a riot when this firm renames itself MarketSport (or whatever) having disappeared into the Dark Pool underworld with your cash. But they have made a concession! They now guarantee to pay you out within 2 days of a request rather than the original four.
We contacted the firm by email asking them if they were "having a laugh?".
There was no response.
Who, in their right mind, would deposit pennies, let alone tens of thousands of pounds, with a shoddy little outfit who do not respond to emails and who don't even have an office or a phone number?
Thank goodness the bookmaking industry is as regulated as the football agent one...
10:22 Extraordinary Renditioning Mass Murdering Charlatan, John Reid, has sanctioned the signing of Abdoulaye Faye from Stoke. There goes the SPL Title without the need of input from the Willie Collum Brigade.
10:27 There really is no excuse nowadays for making boo-boos in the transfer market, what with Opta and Pro-Zone and our own Enhanced Sabermetrics software. And yet, one needs to be able to analyse this data and the football industry is educationally subnormal special needed. Give a monkey a typewriter and she might well collate the works of Dostoyevsky eventually but, in the meantime, she is much more likely to sign Theo Walcott...
10:34 'Tis bad enough when an agent owns players on opposing teams with regard to the impact on betting markets and outcome, but when one agent owns two opposing managers, surely the potential for criminality is too great to ignore. Step forward Mr Loyal Owen Coyle and Slippery Slaphead Steve Kean. So will future Blackburn v Wanky Wanky Wanky Wanderers derbies be 3 for 3 events or 2 for 2? It MUST be remembered that one is linked to your agent for life but one's club manager for a short term window. And anyway. Who paid off Wayne Rooney's latest gambling debts?
10:38 Hosni Mubarak has signed onto the Celtic Board! Closely linked with the Dirty Doctor since the torturing days of yore, he will bring vital geopolitical fascism to the minefield of Scottish sport. And, while we are on it, as Scottish football and, by association, footballers are so crap, why are there so many Scottish pundits, managers, agents, journalists, bookmakers? Must be the delightful accents...
10:43 Press Release: Richard Keys claims not to be sexist because he has a mother. Meanwhile Preston has the largest cemetery in Europe which seems increasingly apt and Swansea/Abertawe has signed a twinning deal with Mordor.
10:57 The transfer of Forestry Commission land to the private sector is an OUTRAGE. It was exactly this process in Queensland that led to the flooding of the state. 'Tis just a money grab by the odious coalition lot. Take the Post Office. The reason that we all received our Winter Solstice cards so late was that the PO was taking on work from the private companies and giving it preference over the public. The fact that the PO still managed to miss the deadlines contractually imposed means that they will have to pay retributions for failing in their task. Twice over. All privatisation is a crime.
11:12 In that attendances are falling across the major leagues (with the exception of the Bundesliga) and the EPL backhanders do not add up, how are tiny clubs like Stoke City able to repeatedly afford £50K per week for shite? Ask Peter Reid and Tony Pulis this question.
11:31 Is this where Richard Keys learned his Talksport 'apology'? [www.youtube.com]
Indeed, why can't Alan Partridge be the new Sky (w)anchor?
11:38 Stephen Ireland's caravan seen illegally parked outside St James' Park. Is there anything in this? Apart from his grandmother... The incredibly unfit Michael Bradley is to leave Borussia Moenchengladbachgogogoch to join Houllier's incredibly unfit Villains in his place.
11:51 Off for a lunchtime game of Five-A-Side. Back later. Won 3-1 :)
13:10 When Peter Walton failed to give Blackpool a penalty for the assault on Luke Varney by Rafael da Silva - a kick that would have made it 3-0 to the Tangerines - those of us in the know smiled in that really irritating self-congratulating way that we do from time to time.
The only individual that we can find who thought that it wasn't a penalty is gangster's moll, Steve McManaman.
Since Walton became a Premier League referee, he has officiated at 18 Manchester United games.
They have not lost one.
13:20 Harry Redknapp has just lied to the world as is his wont by claiming that nobody will be arriving or leaving Tottenham today.
One of my colleagues is a Psychologist and he has analysed the body language of Mr Redknapp to the nth degree (where n is a suitably large integer).
A face wobble with an aversion of eye contact means one thing while a "to be honest" and the use of the interviewers first name means another while an entirely inane comment over a publicly serious matter means something else.
Dark Forces in a Dark Pool - Jamie Redknapp for Sky W(anchor)!
13:34 Another dodgy Harry (Kewell) ensured that the gamble was laid and that Australia failed to win the Asian Trophy thingimijig in Qatar at the weekend. And my how the sweat poured off the players - it must be sweltering in the summer.
What will the Premier League do about the possibility of a winter World Cup in 2022?
Destabilise it one assumes, just as they did with the England World Cup 2018 bid.
In November, Worawi Makudi contacted Sir Dave Richards (of both EPL and FA infamy) and asked if the already arranged friendly match between Thailand and England would still take place if he voted for Russia.
Richards said that that would not be a problem.
Why would a member of the FA Bid make such a statement?
And he is a liar because the friendly match was pulled anyway!
England, the only territory in the world where the national football associated is overpowered by a criminalised private body...
13:38 James Beattie to Blackpool. For fuck's sake... Is Ollie on percentage here too? We will no doubt find out at 14:00 when Holloway gives us his latest self-publicity session.
14:02 A revealing quote from Redknapp after the victory at Arsenal: "At half time, we had a choice. We could get beat 5 or we could have a go at getting back in the game. I decided to have a go at getting back in the game."
Presumably meaning that, on occasion, he would have chosen to "get beat 5".
Which, for some reason, brings to mind Julia Kristeva's quote: "... the machine, colonial expansion, banks, science, Parliament - positions of mastery that conceal their violence and pretend to be mere neutral legality."
Ah well, that is the end of that avenue of enjoyment.
There is work to be done and money to be made...
Au revoir boys and girls!
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